Celebrating Birthdays After a Loss

Today would have been my baby’s 4th birthday so even though I’ve had some time to cope with his death, today is a bit hard.

I find myself imagining what he would have been like as 4 year old. Would he have been active and strong willed like my other boys or would he have been more mild mannered? Would I have been shopping for balls and action figures? Making chocolate cake or sugar cookies?

I’ve learned over the last few years, that grief is a very personal thing. We lost my sister in law not long before my son passed away so we’ve had to navigate every milestone without both of them. No two people respond the same way so it can be tricky to get through big milestones like birthdays.

Whatever Feels Right to You is Fine

We’ve done different things over the last few years to remember our son on his birthday. Some years we had cake and ice-cream and others we walked along the beach in silence. There’s no right or wrong way to celebrate the birthday of someone who has passed away. Do things because they feel like the right way to remember your loved one, not because you feel like that is what is expected of you.

Communicate your needs with friends and family members if they are likely to be offended by how you choose to spend the day. The last thing you need on a rough day is any sort of drama.

Go Easy on Yourself

Milestones after you’ve had a loss are complicated. I notice every year that I have a really rough time in the week leading up to my son’s birthday. It’s the little things like not being able to find my keys or being frustrated that my kids aren’t listening to me that really set me off. Every year I wonder why I’m so frazzled and stressed and then it hits me. That date on the calendar has more of an impact on me than I realize so I try and remember to go easy on myself.

Don’t over schedule yourself in the days surrounding a big milestone like a birthday and don’t go overboard planning something elaborate that is going to cause you stress. Take a day off to have fun with your family or enjoy some quiet time on your own. It’s hard to predict how you’ll feel on your loved one’s birthday, even years after a loss, so be gentle with yourself.

There’s No Need to Feel Guilty

I’ve felt a lot of guilt over the years for not making a bigger deal out of milestones than I have. I’ve realized, though, that I cope differently. I don’t need to celebrate the day the way I would for any of my living children. Those are things I do because they enjoy them anyway. Honoring my son only requires that I remember him and to do that I don’t need birthday cake. I need quiet hours and time spent looking through the few photos we have of him. I need to talk to my children about him so they remember that they had another brother who, I like to think, now acts as their guardian angel.

Birthdays are hard when you don’t have your loved one with you. Whatever you need to do to get through the day and make it easier on your heart is just fine.

Image courtesy of artur84 at FreeDigitalPhotos.net