Going through a Phase (and Learning to Be Okay with It)

We all go through phases in life and some of those phases are easier than others. I’m going through a particularly hard phase at the moment but I have to remind myself that it’s just that — a phase. And it won’t last forever.

I’m currently pregnant with twins with, as my OB keeps reminding me, have a “poor OB history”. I have a history of preterm labor and placental abruption and after going into labor at 5 months pregnant and delivering a half pound baby boy who only lived for 10 minutes I’m feeling a little traumatized by pregnancy. I thought that pregnancy after loss would be easier now that I’ve had a successful pregnancy in between, but it’s not. Pregnancy just brings up all kinds of emotional baggage for me and I find myself hopelessly overwhelmed.

I’ve been dealing with Hyperemesis since 5 weeks pregnant . . . and let me tell you, if you’ve never thrown up 7-10 times a day for for 7 weeks straight and counting, it’s emotionally draining to the extreme.

But, it’s a phase. and phases are temporary. 

I keep telling myself that. Someday (hopefully soon) I’ll wake up and I won’t be sick. Someday I won’t wake up afraid that my body is going to kill my babies. Someday I won’t be so panicked at the thought of how I’m going to manage twins in our already too small house and in our car that no longer fits us. Overwhelmed is a word I’ve used a lot lately.

It’s a phase.

Phases come and go. I have an aunt who makes it a habit of quoting scriptures to random strangers (something that desperately embarrassed me growing up), but one of the things she said has stuck with me. She likes to tell people “it came to pass not it came to stay”. I like that. I need to tattoo it on the back of my hand so that on the hard days, when it’s really hard to remember that phases pass, I’ll be reminded that things change.

Phases can teach us. Of course, being willing to learn is the hard part. I’m currently learning endurance. And patience, lots of patience.

I’m learning to accept help, but more importantly my children are learning why it’s important to help others. We’ve been flooded with help from our friends and neighbors since we first found out we were having twins. I’ve been so sick that I’ve left my house three times since Thanksgiving. All those were for doctors appointments or a visit to the ER. While at home, I’ve rotated between my bed and my couch. Functional is not even in my vocabulary at the moment.

I’m not good at asking for help, so we were lucky that help has poured over us, quietly and without reservation. We’ve had meals delivered, laundry picked up, children entertained. It’s brought me to tears because I know I’m in no position to repay the generosity we’ve received. We would have never survived the last 7 weeks without this help and I know we have a long road in front of us still. I have to remind myself not to feel guilty. When I’m in a different phase, I plan to pay it forward and help someone else in need.

I tend to want to do everything all at once. I never stop moving. But this phase we are in is a quiet phase. I sleep more, work less. I’m trying to tell myself that is okay because that’s what I would tell a friend who was in the same situation. I’d be gentle with a friend. I can be gentle with myself too.

It’s okay to let go of things for a while. It’s okay to put things off until they fit better with the phase we are in. Phases don’t last forever. One way or another, we get through them. If the last few years have taught me anything it’s that I can do hard things. So this is hard right now but I can do it. . . even if it means allowing my friends to carry me part of the way.

Have you ever been through a really hard phase in life? What did you do to get through it?