Why is Infant Loss Taboo?
Today is my baby’s first birthday, but rather than celebrating with a pint sized cake and presents, we’ll be spending the day looking back at pictures of his funeral. Michael was born prematurely and at 5 ounces, was far too small to survive.
Now, a year later, talking about our baby makes people uncomfortable. I’ve talked to other moms who have lost children shortly after birth, and their experience has been similar. So why is infant loss taboo?
Michael’s Story
When I found out I was pregnant with Michael, I was surprised. We had planned to have more children but the timing was horrible. My husband was out of work and finishing his MBA. Our house was up for sale and we had plans to move shortly after graduation. I worried through the first few months, unsure how we would handle another baby, but as I began to feel Michael wiggle and squirm inside me I let go of my fears and allowed myself to look forward to this new addition to our family.
I made it through the first trimester, sicker than sick, but with no complications (which considering my previous pregnancies was a miracle on its own). The second trimester left me feeling much better, still tired but no longer sick and I began picking out names and enjoying my pregnancy.
Pregnancy is stressful, even under the best of circumstances. Family drama and daily stress began to take its toll on my body and my blood pressure began to rise. Since I have a history of placental abruption this was a big problem. I went on modified bedrest and tried to relax. When my contractions started, I tried to ignore them.
On the night of April 14, 2009 I lay on the couch timing my contractions. They were 3 minutes apart but not painful. I tried to will my body to relax but the contractions wouldn’t stop. Looking back, I should have called for help, but any busy mom will tell you it’s just too hard to ask for help sometimes. My husband was in an evening class and shouldn’t be interrupted. My mom was out of the country. My neighbors had families of their own. I couldn’t make myself call and by the time my husband got home they had mellowed out a bit and I had convinced myself that they were nothing more than Braxton hicks.
Early in the morning on April 15, 2009, I woke up in full blown labor, and worse yet, my placenta had begun to abrupt again. My husband frantically knocked on the doors of all our neighbor to find someone who could come stay with our children and we left for the hospital. I grabbed my camera right before we left, knowing that this was real labor and that there was no way our baby could survive.
A Baby Not a Miscarriage
We were able to hold Michael as his tiny lungs tried to breath for 10 minutes after his birth. His perfectly formed body struggled as we held him. The nurses wrapped him in the smallest blanket they could find and stood with us as we watched him die.
The funeral home came and picked Michael’s body up later that night and we began planning a funeral the next day. We have been blessed with amazing friends and family members who rallied around us to help us in the days immediately after Michael’s death, but I was shocked when a few family members openly expressed their opinion that I had suffered a miscarriage rather than had a baby. An already difficult time was made worse when those family members spread the word that we were “having a funeral for a miscarriage” and encouraged people not to come.
It seemed so strange to us, only hours after we had held our baby in our arms. He was a person. He is part of our family. I can’t imagine treating someone so heartlessly after their child has died. The experience left us hesitant to talk about our son. The experience of his birth and death was very spiritual and to have it openly mocked by one made us fear judgement from others. We soon found that when we stayed silent, everyone else did as well. Within a matter of weeks, our son was entirely forgotten by everyone but us.
Why is Infant Loss Taboo?
No one knows what to say after the death of a child. A good friend, who had lost her own baby only a few years before, told me the death of a baby is especially hard because no one really had a chance to get to know him. People care because they care for the parents, but they do not feel the loss of the child. While that is understandable, it can make the parents feel entirely alone in their grief.
The immediate response when someone finds out you have lost a child is, “I’m so sorry.” I’ve heard that hundreds of times over the past year. People want you to say, “It’s okay.”, as we often do after someone apologizes for something, but the thing is, it’s not okay. I don’t want sympathies. I want to celebrate my child. I want to talk about him and keep him alive in our daily life. But talking makes people uncomfortable. They are quick to move on to another topic. From what I hear, it’s the same for most parents who have lost a child.
I can’t tell people I have 3 kids. I’ve tried, but it always strikes me as wrong. I have 3 at home, but I’ve had 4. A question as simple as, “how many kids do you have?” often makes me freeze up. There have been times when I’ve been completely unable to respond at all. It makes people uncomfortable when I tell them I have 4 but one passed away. They feel like they have to apologize, but I’m not looking for sympathy, I’m stating a fact.
People are afraid of saying the wrong thing but the truth is, there are no wrong words if they are said with kindness. Grief doesn’t end with the funeral. You carry on, but your arms stay empty. Simply acknowledging that there is someone missing can often go a long way to comfort a parent who has lost a child. If you know someone who has lost a child, don’t shy away from talking about their child when it’s appropriate. You may be the friend they need, even if their loss isn’t a recent one.
One year–wow. I remember that time vividly.
When good friend lost a baby in a similar way, I was at a loss and told her, “I don’t know what to say. I wish I knew how to help.”
I didn’t know it at the time, but she said that was actually one of the more comforting things someone had said to her–basically acknowledging that I *didn’t* get it and (more importantly) that I didn’t offer platitudes about her son being in a “better place” or that she’d see him again or whatever–those things are just not helpful when someone is mourning.
I’m glad you celebrate Michael’s life.
.-= Annette Lyon´s last blog ..The Changing Face of LDS Fiction =-.
Annette,
I’m slow to respond but that is so true. It drives me nuts when people try and tell me how to “fix” this.
.-= Rachel´s last blog ..Menu Planning Basics =-.
I can only imagine how difficult losing a child must be. I think people are awkward because they truly don’t know what to say.
Thank you for helping to shed some light on this “taboo” subject.
May God bless your family, and may the experience of Michael’s life and death help someone else.
.-= KayEm17´s last blog ..Pregnancy Can Test Your Marriage If You’re Not Careful =-.
Thank you for your post! And for celebrating Michael’s life with us.
I’m sure it must be a challenge to post something personal so publicly, but I think it does help. Those of us who sit on the fence of wishing we could be some support but only can say, as Annette said above “I just don’t know what to say…” it is helpful to read what others have been through. Hearing you say that you want to talk about your son and keep him alive makes it easier to get beyond the standard sympathy lines next time someone you know talks about a child they have lost.
The picture is incredible! Such a tiny little guy it is truly amazing to see.
What a story. I thought your picture was going to bowl me over, but your story was even more impactful. Of course you have 4 children. Truly a testament to your marriage that you worked through it, too.
Our daughter, Faith, was born at 1# 6 oz and lived to be 8 months old– to the DAY, but the birthday’s go by… with barely a mention. This year was 7 yrs and NO ONE said anything (not even my parents or in-laws) and it HURT. It’s painful when you look at other little girls her age and wonder “would she be doing things like that?” Or think “oh, I would love to dress her in something like that!” And it’s hard to explain to her little brother (he’s 4) who doesn’t understand why his big sister celebrates HER birthday in heaven…and he doesn’t. This year for his birthday, HE insisted on sending a balloon up to her to “share.” We also have a 14 yr old son (who had to deal with Faith being in the NICU for her ENTIRE first 6 months of life and her last week) at 7 years of age. It’s never an easy situation for the family.
I also have that same problem with the issue of how to address people with the number of children.
I know it causes “looks,” apologies and more explanations, but I CANNOT “NOT” claim her to avoid it! I’m sorry I am rambling, but this is a very hard subject, but one I’d like to share. I haven’t quite gotten over it yet.
I want to thank YOU for posting this BEAUTIFUL article…Michael was a wonderful soul and was loved dearly and I’m SURE he touched MANY lives in his short life… and you are passing his legacy on! ((hugs))
Thank you so much for your post and sharing your story. The older I get the more I realize that you need to do what is best and feels right for you and your family. Others may not understand but I try to remember that they may just be projecting their own issues and problems. Good for you for celebrating your son’s life. 🙂
.-= Christine´s last blog ..Friday Follow AKA Follow Friday =-.
Thank you for sharing. My third son, Noah, died in my second trimester 6 months ago. I was deeply impacted by the experience and will continue to hold him in my heart for the rest of my LIFE. But, other people seem to expect that I am “over it” OR, that by continuing to share about the miscarriage and about him, means I am somehow not “properly” over it. He was born early enough that he is considered a miscarriage, but his birth felt like an early stillbirth to me, not “just a miscarriage.” Of course, I don’t believe that ANY m/c is “just” a miscarriage–I’m referring more to how it is viewed by others.
Anyway, thank you for sharing about Michael.
Molly
.-= Molly´s last blog ..Strength? =-.
(((((((so many hugs)))))) Our first was stillborn due to placental abruption. Thank you for sharing your story, I find myself nodding in agreement with tears in my eyes to so much of what you said. I hope you & your family were able to have a gentle day with moments of peace as your love and remember your little guy. Happy 1st Birthday little one!
I actually think things are alittle easier for people now then back in the 50’s. Back in the 50’s you wouldn’t have been encouraged to go ahead and name the baby or even hold it. Now people recognize that this little baby, who squirmed in you, was indeed a little human life that has a right
to be named, held (whether breathing or not), be loved, missed, and talked about.
So I’m glad you are celebrating his precious, if brief life in this way.
Thank you for writing your story. I can totally identify. We also lost a son (Michael) after having twins and are now pregnant with our 4th child. It is difficult to describe the feelings that I have when someone asks me how many children I have and comments on the fact that we have all girls in our family. I want to correct them and to tell them about our precious little boy, but I don’t feel like it is appropriate. My family accepts it, but does not know how to talk about it. Not even my mom who actually had an almost identical situation. She just tries to act like it didn’t ever happen and focus on the new babies in our family who were born six months after we lost him. I will say that I have some really great understanding friends who can share in the joys and sadness of our loss and are very willing to make a huge effort to let me talk about it and to identify with my feelings. We have made it a little over a year without him, but I don’t miss him any less.
I just came upon your site. I think it’s great that you shared your story. So many people can relate. And I agree with Annette that sometimes the best thing to say is the truth, that if you have not lost a child you cannot understand.
I did not have a child born that way. I did have two miscarriages and they were painful as people tried to “joke” through them or tell me it was okay. But when you see that baby move on the screen or hold a life in your hand, it is a being and they do deserve to be celebrated and thought of.
So once again, thank you for sharing your story about Michael’s life. :hugs:
What a touching story and picture of your son. A child is always a gift and a blessing, thank you for sharing your memories.
Thank you so much for sharing this. I went into labor at 22 weeks and had a beautiful little baby boy ( Sawyer) who died shortly after being born. Everything you have said rings true for me, I can’t believe that some of your family members called it a miscarriage and discouraged people to go to the funeral. I can’t even imagine that is so cruel…
we just lost our miracle baby. She was conceived in the Lords timing with no drugs or anything after two years of infertility problems, we were so excited. I was only 10 weeks pregnant when we lost her, so yes it was a miscarriage but in that short ten weeks I heard her heartbeat on 2 ultrasounds 170 little beats a minute, everything looked great. I started spotting and the dr. said it happens a lot don’t worry unless you start cramping or it get’s bright red, I tried to have peace but it never came.. one night I had a feeling “get to the ER” we went.. our miracle had been dead for three days… I lost her 2 days later. People may think it’s crazy that we had a little service with our family for her, (we had a spiritual experience that let us know it was a girl) but I heard her heartbeat, when we lost her I held her in my hand, she had little eyes, little fingers, little toes… she was real to us and she will always be our daughter. I agree about the taboo…I feel I can’t discuss it because people think I am crazy for morning her.. you were only 10 weeks along, well we bonded in that 10 weeks, we had dreams and hopes for her. I am so sorry about your Michael, I pray for you, and pray that people will be more understanding when you tell them that you have 4 children.. not three!
Beautiful story. I lost my second son last year. He was born full term but lived only 2 days. We too held him in our arms until he slipped away….there is no more powerful moment you can experience than to hold a tiny life and then feel it leave. It’s heartbreaking that anyone would dismiss that. May peace and comfort find you. Be blessed.
Of course you should have a funeral if you choose! What is wrong with those people, to say such a thing? We lost our daughter at 33 weeks and we had a funeral for immediate family only. We didn’t want a lot of people around, but of course we wanted to acknowledge her life. I totally understand your point about people asking how many kids you have. I have a son now and people ask all the time if he’s my only. As you say, it makes people uncomfortable, and I feel weird sharing something so personal with strangers, so I used to just say yes. I felt terrible though so I decided to start saying we have one in heaven. Thank you for sharing your experience. You are not alone.
We found the funeral really comforting. I couldn’t imagine just sending his little body away for the hospital to dispose of. It didn’t feel like the right thing to do.
.-= Rachel´s last blog ..Menu Planning Basics =-.
I am the mother to 4 beautiful girls.
Andria Lynn 4/20/96-5/26/96 Jarcho Levin syndrome
Abigail Hope 4/21/00 – healthy!
Megan Elizabeth 12/4/01 – healthy!
Stephanie Grace 12/3/04- Born Still at 29 wks, placenta abruptio
I don’t care who is uncomfortable, when asked how many children, I proudly say FOUR. I will never deny or skip over them to make others comfortable.
Once someone said, are you trying to gain sympathy by saying that? and she rolled her eyes. I responded by saying Absolutely not, what kind of mother would I be if I denied giving birth to two of my girls? Do what feels right in your heart!
Kelly, that’s exactly how I feel. It makes me uncomfortable if I skip over one child just because he isn’t here any more. I’m so sorry for your losses. Michael died because of an abruption as well. I had an abruption with my 2nd during delivery and it amazes me every day that he is still here with us.
.-= Rachel´s last blog ..Menu Planning Basics =-.
My son was born at 28 weeks and weighed 1lb and 5.8 ounces, He spent 5 months in the NICU and there were times I didn’t know if he was going to make it. I have PROM- Premature Rupture of Membranes, I too developed high blood pressure and I was working and lost my job…..I hate to hear of the loss, from one mom of a preemie to another, I just feel for you. hugs.
Thank you so much for sharing this powerful story Rachel! I had no idea about your baby. I’ve seen it happen to many, many Mamas and it is difficult to talk about but then as time passes, the memories make them smile and they can again recognize their baby’s birth and short but recognized life. Hugs on this today!
I’ll be honest, I did not expect your post to go in the direction it did. I love the fact that you want to celebrate your child’s life! I often get the vibe from people who have lost a child that it is similar to infertility issues…something like, “you don’t understand because you have not gone through it…so I don’t want to hear anything from you.” So, usually I am hesitant to say anything. I have had friend’s who push everyone away. They mourn for years. Their lives have been ruined and they are unable to move on. Then I have had a couple of friends who did have funerals. Who let people in. They were able to move on with life, but enjoy their memories of their wee one born before they were ready. It’s easier to talk to these friends, but I don’t know how to talk to those who are still mourning.
So, thank you for sharring what you would like to hear and that you would like to talk about it. It gives me something to think about. And I still can’t fathom your family members who tried to convince people not to come to your baby’s funeral. Births and deaths are times to bring people closer together and give eachother support and I can’t believe people would deny you the opportunity of love and support from those around you when you needed it most. I’m sad for them.
Michelle,
The hard thing is, everyone mourns differently so what helps one person could offend another. It does take a long time to start feeling normal again after something like this happens and it’s usually a lot longer than people expect. We had a lot of neighbors bring in meals and help out for the first few weeks and while that was helpful, for me, the reality of the situation didn’t sink in for at least a few months afterwards. By then, everyone moves on and assumes you are fine.
Loved your blog. I thought it was perfectly written and describes the feelings a mother has when a child is lost at birth. Thank you.
I have never had a miscarriage to my knowledge. Although I suspect I had one. I had all the signs…my water broke, I was having pain, bleeding (and I was pregnant with my 3rd child. They said my hormones were showing a miscarriage.
I went on bed rest and had a darling boy…but days latter had a huge mass of tissue one out. It was the weirdest experience if my life.
As I read your story, I cannot IMAGINE saying to someone in your situation that you had a “miscarriage’ and not to attend the funeral. What a horrible thing to say! I’m not going to judge the person that said that, but it certainly was a very tactless, mean thing to say. I’m sure they meant well….?
Take comfort in your little guy. Remember him and keep him a part if your family.
I believe that Jesus died so we can be resurrected and have life again. I also believe that those who came here in bodies that did not survive will have a chance to be with their family in Heaven. ((((HUGS))))
Beautiful post. It is so open and vulnerable and I can only imagine how much these thoughts are just the tip of the iceberg in terms of all you’ve had to think about and go through around this. What I appreciate, is how it helps someone like me who hasn’t been through this understand someone who has gone through something similar – to hopefully be more sensitive and more supportive to help others. Thank you for sharing.