Why You May Not be Bonding With Your Newborn
When I first met my daughter, I was exhausted. Sure, I was curious and excited. But mostly, I was exhausted. I had been waiting for this day for a long time.  I didn’t have a clue what to expect but I still had this idea of how things were going to play out when she was born. I would hold her against my chest and l would feel that rush of motherly love everyone always talks about. It would be instant and powerful and overwhelmingly wonderful. It would feel meant to be, like we had met before. Thats what it would be like, because that’s what everyone else TOLD me it would be like.
I eagerly waited while the NICU team inspected her and cleaned her up. My husband got to hold her first, and brought her over to me with tears in his eyes. I held my baby girl and I felt…nothing. No instant love or a deep connection. Well, I was definitely overwhelmed but I was mostly just tired. More tired than I had ever been in my life. All I wanted was to drink some water and sleep for the next 24 hours and not be disturbed by anyone. I felt so guilty for not wanting to focus on my daughter and worried that I wasn’t feeling any kind of connection.
For my husband the feelings toward her were instant. He kept going on and on about how much he loved her and I was so ashamed that I wasn’t gushing like he was. I didn’t even want to express to him how I was feeling. What was wrong with me? I had this perfect child that so many people dream of having and I didn’t feel like I deserved her. I wasn’t worthy of her.  I couldn’t stop beating myself up about it. After a couple days the depression set in.
When I finally broke down crying and told my husband how I was feeling. He reassured me it was okay, and that my love would grow.
No one told me there was the possibility that I might not bond with my newborn immediately but as I’ve opened up about my experience I’ve realized that it’s not that uncommon to need sometime before you feel “bonded” with your baby. There’s nothing wrong with you. You aren’t a bad mom. Some of us just bond differently. There are a few things that can contribute to bonding taking a bit longer but sometimes it’s just the way you work.
Why aren’t you bonding with your newborn?
You are exhausted – Pregnancy and birth take a lot out of you. Sometimes you need some time to recover before you can mentally focus on anything else. It’s amazing what a little sleep can do for your mood.
Are you depressed? – Postpartum depression can make it really hard to bond with a newborn. If you feel like depression is getting in the way of you bonding with your newborn talk to your doctor so you can get on top of it before it gets worse. I cannot stress this enough. For a long time I was too stubborn to think I needed medical help but after I got it, the difference was night and day.
You are hungry – After birth I was STARVING. I couldn’t think of anything else until someone fed me. That doesn’t mean you don’t love your child. That just means you need food. If your basic needs aren’t met, it’s difficult to give anything of yourself to someone else.
Hormones –Â Your hormones are going to be out of wack for a while. Your body is still adjusting to all the changes. So it’s pretty normal to feel euphoric one minute and then be sobbing a minute later. Â Don’t worry, it doesn’t last. Soon you will be feeling like yourself again.
 Your baby has Colic – Endless crying can be really mentally draining. Since all your energy is going into comforting your baby and making the crying stop, it can be hard to feel the love.  I had a hard time not taking it personally when I couldn’t comfort my daughter. Eventually I realized it didn’t mean I am a bad mother.  Sometimes babies just cry.
Like every new mother, I was a round-the-clock diaper changing, milk making machine.  I started to feel really isolated, lonely, and trapped.  Newborns don’t do a whole lot and I was bored. My previous life and independence was gone. Everyone kept telling me “enjoy these moments, she will grow up so fast”. In my head I was hoping the time would go by quicker. I really didn’t know motherhood could be so hard.
One night I got so low that I just didn’t know how I could cope with it anymore. I finally decided I needed to fight the postpartum depression. I needed to take care of MYSELF so I could be a good mother to my daughter. She NEEDED me. It wasn’t her fault she had a mom who didn’t want to get out of bed.
I made little changes, like putting away the sweatpants and making an effort to get ready in the morning, and reaching out to other moms and talking/spending time with them. As time went by and I developed a routine I slowly got the hang of being a mother.
It was still hard, and I was still tired, but I was getting used to my new role and enjoying the little moments with my baby. Since I was taking care of myself, I was starting to bond with my baby. I started to feel excited when she would reach little milestones, like smiling, giggling, and rolling over.
The more I got to know her, the more my love for her grew….and grew….and grew. It grew until I loved her so much I was scared of how powerful it was.  I finally understood the “rewarding” part of motherhood.
Today My daughter is 14 months old and she is my best friend. I have so much fun playing with her and seeing her curious face when she is seeing new things.  It’s hard to believe there was a time when I doubted I would ever have this strong connection. The truth is, children MAKE you love them. It may take time to grow, but after a while you won’t be able to help it.
 Did you bond with your newborn immediately or did it take a bit longer?
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I had an extremely difficult time bonding with my first born due to postpartum depression. 10 years later and I still find our relationship is quite distant