Pregnancy After Loss – Overcoming the Fear
I’ve been keeping a secret from all of you. I’m not particularly good at keeping secrets, but in this case, I’ve been too afraid to make our news public, knowing what I do about how many things can go wrong. I found out about a month ago that we are expecting our 5th baby. This is good news. It is.
Except it terrifies me.
You see, our last baby was born at only 18 weeks. He passed away after 10 minutes. Before that, I have a long history of severe preeclampsia, placental abruption, and preterm labor. That makes this road we are on a scary one.
The odds I’ve been given aren’t good. After losing our baby last time, I would have been terrified anyway. Hearing that it isn’t likely I’ll go to term doesn’t help things.
I had high hopes for this pregnancy. I was originally told that a cerclage and the p17 shots would give me a good shot at a normal pregnancy. Once a subchorionic hematoma (essentially an early abruption) was found on my first ultrasound the plan changed. I’m not a good candidate for a cerclage because the risk of infection is too high and l went into labor last time at least partially because the subchorionic bleed caused a uterine infection.
It’s a balancing act and the only treatment option my doctor is really giving me is “take it easy” and we’ll “wait and see”, which is not overly comforting when you are pregnant after an infant loss.
The trick is, overcoming the fear is essential. If I let fear get the best of me, my blood pressure rises and the risk of an abruption goes up.
For now, I’m taking things day by day. I’m taking lots of breaks and walking away from things that cause me stress. Beyond that though, I’m flying blind.
I know that we’re generally the ones providing the tips around here but this time, I need some tips from you. How do you stay calm when you are feeling fearful?
That combination of excitement and fear is sometimes impossible to ignore. I lost one pregnancy but went on to have two children. My only saving grace was playing and bonding with my daughter and seeing her grow right before my eyes. Focusing on her made the fear less prevelant.
I wish you the very best!
Prayer…it is my only saving grace in good times and in bad. I also rely heavily on deep breathing, meditation, and when all else fails, distraction. Know that many will be praying for you and pulling for you.
I would celebrate everyday as a victory, everyday you get one day closer 🙂 Relax, and try to stay busy enough to distract you but not too busy to raise your blood pressure.
Avoid driving this holiday season, particularly Fridays and Saturdays. Friday afternoons always stress me out when I’m driving.
I know you have a busy life with your family, but maybe you can distract yourself by reading books. Ones that aren’t about babies 🙂 When I read I tend to get lost in my book until I stop. Even if its just for an hour, at least thats an hour without thinking about your fears.
Having courage doesn’t mean your unafraid. Having courage and showing courage means we face our fears. We are able to say “I have fallen, but I will get back up.” – Maya Angelou
This may sound crazy and take it for what it’s worth, but hypno-birthing. I’ve been taking a course from a company called Hypnobabies because my doctor recommended it. Technically you are training to give birth at the end of the pregnancy, but they have these positive affirmations that they have you listen to every day. I have found that the extreme dose of “positive” that I get every day from those has made a huge difference for me. Then the hypnosis sessions themselves are incredibly calming. I think my pregnancy has completely changed and become much healthier since I started this. I would recommend it to anyone. You may never use the hypnosis during birth, but the benefits you could potentially gain just during the pregnancy might be worth looking into. Let me know if you want more info, I can get you in touch with some folks. Good luck and congratulations.
that would be so hard not to be fearful! While I do not have a ton of advice I will send lots of prayers your way!
I haven’t been in your shoes exactly, but our pregnancies aren’t a cup of tea since I am Factor 5 Leiden (heparin shots 2x daily for the whole pregnancies and countless ultrasounds). We thought our last one was difficult and then we got pregnant with our girl. She is currently 22 weeks along. I had a hematoma at about 12 weeks, and bled until 17 weeks. On top of that we were told we were high risk for Downs based on the triple screen. Our GYN told us to not become too attached and we tried valiantly for about a month. Then I was talking to my friend who went through 3 miscarriages and she told me to not bother. “You are going to be devastated if you lose the baby regardless, so why bother not becoming attached.” I took her advise and it was like a weight was lifted. Our amnio came back fine, our baby girl is healthy and although the hematoma still isn’t fully absorbed, there aren’t any new ones. Our neo-natal specialist actually said it was a good thing that the hematoma happened when it did because our placenta was attached too low and it would have most likely cause previa later on. So hang in there, breathe, and let go. You can’t control anything, so don’t bother worrying about what will happen. You will meet whatever does happen and what will be will be. Feel free to message me on FB if you want to talk! Hugs!
You are a brave woman for taking this path in the first place. You are amazing.
Thanks Annette. I have to admit though, I was leaning towards adoption before I found out I was pregnant. I’m going to be a mess until the end.
Congratulations Rachel! You are an amazing person and I’ll be keeping you in my prayers. It can be challenging to not stress and worry, especially when we don’t have control over what is stressing and worrying us.
I too try to keep a prayer in my heart and an eye toward the big picture. Please don’t be uncomfortable asking for help. I know we’re not in the same state, but I’d be happy to help anyway possible!
Thanks Raejean. I’m not very good at asking for help. I know it will come to that but I’m going to have to work up to it.
I just came across this chain of comments…lost my baby who was full term three months ago due to true knot in umbilical cord..u
Unexpected! I have been thru things in the last five years eg london bombings bad relationships and anxiety separation which caused me to become housebound…then returned home to South
africa to get medicine which they refused to give me…still unable to leave home due to fears (which are reality to those in that situation) I read the book feel the fear and so it anyways by susan jeffers
Which SAVED my life…the next day I was out and about and able to carry on…went back overseas but eventually returned to SA to settle and then met my man
Anyways all that prepared me for TODAY in two weeks we gonna start preparing to fall pregnant again…scary but will feel the fear and do it anyways!!! Will keep u posted